╋━Show me your thornes and I will show you hands ready to bleed━━

Hiiiii, I'm so happy recently, I wrote in my diary about this, but I like the thought of someone uncovering all my thoughts I posted in 100 years. Today is the 2-year anniversary of me and my bf meeting. It was the first football game, and it must be a good omen because we won our first game yesterday. I think this year in our relationship will be even better than the last. I think we are gonna work on him being more independent from his family i.e., us renting a house together instead of an apartment, and him not taking any financial assistance from them. I just really want to grow up with him. Sometimes, I feel like I'm rushing him, though. It’s hard to see when I am not allowing ourselves to enjoy our present youthful self because I've been on that grindset forever. I am absolutely the more mature and responsible one, but that's what I love about him. I know he's giving me his everything because he's never done this before. And I appreciate all his effort, even when he falls short sometimes. Honestly it's softened me to the idea of not being perfect and messing up sometimes. I used to feel like if something didn’t go my way the first time, then the world was over, but he's shown me that I can try a million times and it's okay as long as I keep trying. That’s honestly why I gave him the name Angel Baby when I met him. He’s saved me, he protects me, he loves me. And oh how I adore him, which is so silly cuz in my first love letter to him I said that I love him biblically like a follower loves their god. And he laughed at the idolatry. But of course I'm willing to go to hell and back for my angel. Our anniversary is in a couple of weeks and I got a few dresses because we’re gonna do multiple things over a span of a couple of days. And I keep showing him poses I want to do, and he’s so enthusiastic to have more pretty photos of us. It’s so nice being so in love. It just feels like he’s the missing puzzle piece in my elaborate puzzle. I've truly never been happier. But yeah, I'm gonna take many, many. pictures for our babies so they can see how much we love each other


I like to talk here it’s so much easier than writing. maybe i’m lazy idk. I love my bf I say that a lot I know. But idk he just reminds me everyday why he’s so amazing. Today he said my favorite compliment I haven’t told him it’s my favorite because I want him to use it authentically. He said he likes how much effort I put into myself and he likes how much work I put in to look pretty for him. One: YESSSSSS LAWWWWDDDDD. two: thank you thank you i’m so glad someone actually notices. sometimes I feel people just thing I was born like this, like this is my natural existence. like i’m just pretty and smart and sociable because that’s who I am. And that’s the furthest from the truth. I grew up being the only black girl in my class so of course ugly literally untouchable. I have crippling social anxiety and stage fright that has caused me to lose more friends than I would like to take credit for. I grew up smart yes I must admit but at some point I got to a level where I didn’t know things and it was embarrassing, and because I was just naturally smart I never developed good study habits and developed a fear of asking for help (this applies to such much lol). So basically I was the complete opposite of what people know me for now. And it took so much work, so much time, so many tears. Literally I spent a year all alone at home. But i get not credit for it. In fact i get shit on like that’s all I am. because i’m so pretty I must be shallow and stupid right? or because i’m smart and i’m going for an engineering b.a. I must be a bitchy prude. oh i’m sociable and have a lot a friends, I must be fake. I’m crying lol…. it’s just not fair I did so much work for people to love me and this is what i get when I finally give them what they want? I’ve gotten sidetracked besides my family who literally watched me change my bf is the only person who acknowledges just how much effort I put in to be this person. it’s so fucking nice it makes me want to do more to show him I can get even better. and I don’t even have to do much because he notices every little thing about me. “your teeth looks a little whiter pretty” “hey your hair is growing so fast” “that butt” (lol) He makes me feel so beautiful and so strong and motivated. and that’s all I ever wanted. for someone to see that i’m trying and it’s working. This whole depression thing is not easy, and for the longest time I tried to just run from it I thought if I did the most clubs, the most hours at work, the most hobbies id be happy. but that’s where I was wrong I have major depressive disorder this won’t go away I have to live with her because she is me. And all I can do is try everyday, I have to consciously make myself happy. And I love my bf for his existence. Everyday when I wake up he makes me try. He makes me be happy because he thinks I deserve it. He’s actually said that once when I was crying. He told me “If there’s anyone who doesn’t deserve to be this sad it’s you, you give to much to everyone for you to feel this way” He just makes me feel like an angel. like i’ve fallen from heaven and he’s mending my broken wings. Ever since I started surrounding myself with good people my life has been so pink (perfect) and i’m just so happy to have my family and friends and of course my savior. I don’t know what i’d do without him

Tonight I had another book moment. Book moments to me are the scenes in stories where “the world goes silent” or “it was just me and them” scenes where it’s just living not thinking not planning just truly existing in the moment. I find these moments so fleeting because of my anxiety. I feel as though i’m always meticulously planning every step of my life. moments where it’s just me and whoever i’m with is truly the most beautiful thing. tonight me and my bf were moving stuff so we took his rollie chair (idk what the hell its called) to help us and he pushed me instead of making me walk which was so nice. and when we’re done he just dragged me into the center of the parking lot and was like “i’m gonna spin you now” and as I was spin all i could hear was the wind and our laughter. I could have sworn I heard our hearts beating too. It was so magical to be so whimsical and childish with my lover. and of course it made me sick eventually so I offered to swap and spin him. it was really hard because he’s so much bigger than me but I managed to spin him pretty decently. And his little giggles and “ahhhss” filled my heart with such joy. doing such childish things makes me wonder what it would have been like to grow up with him. honestly i’d probably find him annoying his younger self sounds a lot like my brother. I’m glad I get to have him for who he is now. Which I may be biased but i believe it’s the best version. But back to the main topic we’ve had a couple of book moments together. I would say the first one which is probably why i was so drawn to him was the first day we met. During the first ASU football game there was a dust storm so we had to hurriedly evacuate the stadium and get back to his car but i remember that he made me hold his arm while we tried to navigate our way through the dust. And when we finally got back to the parking garage he randomly just looked at me and said “lancing?” and I didn’t know what the hell lancing was so he had to explain that he essentially wanted to give me a piggyback ride to his car. and i obliged. Honestly it was the most fun I had at ASU so far because it was so silly, no part could possibly top that experience. Another one of my favorites is when randomly he decided he wanted to take a drive in his bmw with the roof down listening to music. just some random thursday night. i remember the wind being in my face but in a soothing way and frank oceans serenading us as we drove to nowhere. the stars were so bright that day and honestly i hadn’t looked at the stars in such a long time. I honestly had been afraid to because what is symbolized to me. but that night i felt brave and i remembered why I loved them so much. I think what i like is the spontaneity and just it being us. because in all these scenarios it was just so spur of the moment and it felt like it was only us on this planet. Idk im yapping but god I love the little things so much